Define Insanity

According to www.dictionary.com the definition of insanity is... in·san·i·ty Pronunciation[in-san-i-tee] –noun, plural -ties. 1. the condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind. 2. Law. such unsoundness of mind as affects legal responsibility or capacity. 3. Psychiatry. (formerly) psychosis. 4. extreme folly; senselessness; foolhardiness. [Origin: 1580–90; <>in-3, sanity] —Synonyms 1. dementia, lunacy, madness, craziness, mania, aberration. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006. American Psychological Association (APA): Insanity. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved August 16, 2007, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Insanity Chicago Manual Style (CMS): Insanity. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Insanity (accessed: August 16, 2007). Modern Language Association (MLA): "Insanity." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Random House, Inc. 16 Aug. 2007. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Insanity>. I picked this meaning from the Urban Dictionary... 1. Insanity 54 up, 8 down 1) A mental state where one can not tell the difference between reality and their imagination. 3) A type of behaviour where a person may act in a way that may be seen as "uncool" or "weird" (and doesn't care). 3) The only way to fly. Example: Austin Powers: You're insane! Goldmember: And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! by Peeves Apr 12, 2004 I don't know for sure what definition adequately describes "insanity", although I have seen different forms. Today while walking downtown with my boyfriend (yes, he's back) and son, a vagrant with a bottle of liquor in his hand talked very loudly to us, He told of an income he had and that was about all I could make sense of from his ramblings. About a month ago I saw the same man and he was giving the same lecture, without a bottle in his hand, and he seemed more upbeat. He could have an alcohol induced mental disorder but I have read somewhere that most people who are homeless do suffer from a mental affliction of some type. I had a friend once who always claimed to be insane and I never saw it, but didn't doubt her either. Then one day after a series of events she turned on me and saw me as an enemy. She went against her own morals, common sense, and contradicted herself. On that day I saw that insanity can be very subtle and quiet yet set the foundation for chaos and violence. Recently I have stumbled across another form of insanity. Infatuation can also be insane. Again quoting the Urban Dictionary I found this definition of infatuation that describes "insane infatuation" very well. 3. infatuation 50 up, 13 down All-encompassing, gut-wrenching, soul-draining activity that only requires the active involvement of one individual: the obsessor. A second individual is required for the peripheral need of providing the obsessor with an object of needless, unappreciated, possibly unwanted, often unwarranted affection. The second individual may or may not be aware of his/her peripheral involvement, and may or may not be willing to be peripherally involved: the object's awareness and/or willingness of being an object of desire is of no consequence to the obsessor. Example: The innocent girl lost her sensibility due to her infatuation with the nice boy, who was in constant denial of the entire situation. by X.25 Detroit, Michigan May 25, 2006 I worry about this infatuation a certain person has and how it will affect me in the future. I have what she wants and I don't think she will let me stand in her way.

Covets

I'm forever amazed by how stupid a woman can act over a man and vice versa. I would think that women take displays of envy and jealousy to a higher extreme than men because they are more likely to make their feelings openly apparent where as men are more likely to repress these types of emotions for fear of "looking silly".

The Bible proclaims "Envy" to be one of the Seven Deadly Sins. If more people were happy with what they have instead of obsessing over what they don't have, the world would be a better place indeed.

Hope

I have hopes for the future

I have dreams I want to turn into reality

I have faith everything will turn out as it should

I have promises to make

I have beliefs that I stand by

I have things to discuss

I want to disuss you

I hope you are alone for the rest of your life

I dream you beg for me to take you back

I have faith you already are feeling remorse

I promise I'll never forget what you did

I believe that one day you will hurt as much as you hurt me

I have nothing more to say

I have nothing more to discuss

Fade

I think, how did I get to this point in my mind? Easy for me to skip back one track at a time and then skip forward again to where I'd left off. Maybe if I go over the album of this evening thoughts, I will lose the motivation to make a bonus track.
I go back. I was raging in my mind for so many of the lies by omission and commission directed at me.
I go back. I was listing all the reasons why it's so difficult.
I go back. I was pondering my hesitation.
I skip foward and stop where the bonus track should be, where i left off. The feeling is gone.
It worked.
My feelings of hurt, anger, rage, embarassment, and resentment are coming back, but not with the same inward assualt.
Being back in the moment I start again. Everything intesifies and the volume is turned up so loud it's overwhelming. The black hole of hopelessness and defeat spans out forever in every which direction all around me. I fear to take a step in any direction. I am in a contant state of permanent confusion.
Which way is the right way?
Which is the wrong way?
Who should I trust to tell me the right way?
Why should I trust what they say?
Why is their way the right way?
Yet they are still somehow lost and in the middle of nowhere?
I love life with the same intensity from which I use to hate it.
Life gives me a variety of stories to read and songs to listen to.
Life gives me beautiful things to see and feel.
Hate comes to me when I am refused, persuaded, and/or manipulated to not experience life the way it was made to be experienced.
When my reading is interrupted I begin to hate.
When my songs are not allowed to be played my hate grows.
When I'm not allowed to see the things I want to see my hate blossoms. When I'm told to experience life, but only experience it by the filtering of another, I begin to rage.
I do not place blame where it is deserved but instead take it upon my own head to deal with.
I turn the anger on myself.
The CD breaks and shatters. I fall asleeep wishing I never wake up.
I get up with the sun. Last nights mania is forgotten and is only a dim memory and I doubt I was ever in such a state dellusion.
Out ahead is another solitary evening coming towards me. It looks oddly familiar.
I put in the CD again and listen to it as it begins to jump then annoyingly remains stuck on repeat.
It feels like deja vu.
I momentarily wonder how long it's been on repeat and continue on my way.

Light Reading

Light Reading

I can no longer stay living like this. Every day I live a lie. Every time I wipe away a tear from my cheek, reach for another's hand for comfort, and speak words of devotion and trust...somewhere inside me another piece of what makes me human - dies.
In a vicious cycle I speak untruths. With each fib I've lost my compassion. Every white lie I've told destroys yet even more of my pride. For every time I've stayed silent when I should have spoken is when I lose all remorse. With every half tale told my guilt disappears.
How many more stories of deceit can I tell until there will be no good left in me? If this comes to pass and I become a selfish and hollow shell of a person, what use will I be in this world?
My words even now hold another false motive. For it sounds as if I could be experiencing regret. Yet what appears to be regret is merely my own self-centered frustration. For all the lies I've told and webs of distrust I have weaved around me I only feel pain and sympathy - for me.
For so long I've played the helpless victim and becuase of this all my labor has been halved. I wish I could have back that other half. I wish I could start over and make a strong effort for the future.
So much of me that was and had possessed kindness has turned into the dust that blows along the dryest of the earth's floors. One day all of me will turn to dust and no one will mourn for me except for myself. All people will remember of me is the promises I made, the loyalties I proclaimed, and every time I swore on the heavens above I should be believed I was telling the truth. All my promises were broken, my loyalties were only to myself, and my swears of honesty were empty.
The tears which will be shed upon my leaving of this world will not be for my soul. It will be for the burdens I gave and happiness I so greedily took from everyone I came into contact with before I left. They will rightly grieve for what I stole from them. In time they will cease their sobbing and begin to heal - which is something that never would have had the chance to occur if I was to remain in their presence.

The truth of the matter is I am energy and light. I know who I am and I know I am truthful and good.

Others have had this to say about me:

"Morgan is a beautiful person on the inside and out".
"You seem so shiny, it's like you have a light somewhere inside".
"You have an inner light, to me you absolutely sparkle and glow".
"She is one of those people who truely have a pure heart".

I am human and I do make mistakes. Sometimes my mistakes hurt others feelings and sometimes I do or say something that makes someone mad at me. Once I realize my mistake I make amends as best I can and then leave it to them to forgive or not forgive me. No matter what awful things I might have been and will be guilty of, it won't ever take away the all prevailing existence of the goodness inside of me.
The only other times it seems anyone has ever had problems with me is when they have a darkness within themselves. It's like a hungry monster inside of them that slowly kills them and consumes all the light and energy it can.
I believe firmly that those who acquire the energy vampire type monster inside of them did at one time have a light of their own that was strong and bright. Then when they were young, a person whom they were genetically driven to trust, seek protection from, and looked to for kind words of approval and love did the opposite. Instead that person created for them acts of cruelty, fed them rejection, stirred emotions of resentment, and instilled in them disgust.
Where once love could and did fight for it's place in the body of a small child, the child sadly learned not to trust in unconditional love. Instead the child trusted in fear and hate until those beliefs and feelings became the only way of life they could ever remember having.
As adults they have almost completely fogotten the memory of what it was like to have such a pure light as a part of them. Never knowing where this craving which has begun to possesse originated, they now smother any light they can catch. They hold it too close and the light soon fades away leaving them feeling confused, hurt, and more resentful than they'd been before. After more time has passed and the darkness inside them has eaten away at their mind, they still chase after the light inside others. By now they have learned from experience what will happen as soon as they start to think for a moment that the light might be their's to hold onto forever. They've learned it will quickly disappear like magic. So now they smash it before the light taunts them with glimmers and illusions of love and happiness.
I believe these troubled people are reborn again and again because our creator never loses hope in them and wants to keep giving them another chance to do right in their lives and in the lives of others - even when the first person in the beginning of their life forgot their very existence, completely and totally.