Fade

I think, how did I get to this point in my mind? Easy for me to skip back one track at a time and then skip forward again to where I'd left off. Maybe if I go over the album of this evening thoughts, I will lose the motivation to make a bonus track.
I go back. I was raging in my mind for so many of the lies by omission and commission directed at me.
I go back. I was listing all the reasons why it's so difficult.
I go back. I was pondering my hesitation.
I skip foward and stop where the bonus track should be, where i left off. The feeling is gone.
It worked.
My feelings of hurt, anger, rage, embarassment, and resentment are coming back, but not with the same inward assualt.
Being back in the moment I start again. Everything intesifies and the volume is turned up so loud it's overwhelming. The black hole of hopelessness and defeat spans out forever in every which direction all around me. I fear to take a step in any direction. I am in a contant state of permanent confusion.
Which way is the right way?
Which is the wrong way?
Who should I trust to tell me the right way?
Why should I trust what they say?
Why is their way the right way?
Yet they are still somehow lost and in the middle of nowhere?
I love life with the same intensity from which I use to hate it.
Life gives me a variety of stories to read and songs to listen to.
Life gives me beautiful things to see and feel.
Hate comes to me when I am refused, persuaded, and/or manipulated to not experience life the way it was made to be experienced.
When my reading is interrupted I begin to hate.
When my songs are not allowed to be played my hate grows.
When I'm not allowed to see the things I want to see my hate blossoms. When I'm told to experience life, but only experience it by the filtering of another, I begin to rage.
I do not place blame where it is deserved but instead take it upon my own head to deal with.
I turn the anger on myself.
The CD breaks and shatters. I fall asleeep wishing I never wake up.
I get up with the sun. Last nights mania is forgotten and is only a dim memory and I doubt I was ever in such a state dellusion.
Out ahead is another solitary evening coming towards me. It looks oddly familiar.
I put in the CD again and listen to it as it begins to jump then annoyingly remains stuck on repeat.
It feels like deja vu.
I momentarily wonder how long it's been on repeat and continue on my way.