Light Reading

Light Reading

I can no longer stay living like this. Every day I live a lie. Every time I wipe away a tear from my cheek, reach for another's hand for comfort, and speak words of devotion and trust...somewhere inside me another piece of what makes me human - dies.
In a vicious cycle I speak untruths. With each fib I've lost my compassion. Every white lie I've told destroys yet even more of my pride. For every time I've stayed silent when I should have spoken is when I lose all remorse. With every half tale told my guilt disappears.
How many more stories of deceit can I tell until there will be no good left in me? If this comes to pass and I become a selfish and hollow shell of a person, what use will I be in this world?
My words even now hold another false motive. For it sounds as if I could be experiencing regret. Yet what appears to be regret is merely my own self-centered frustration. For all the lies I've told and webs of distrust I have weaved around me I only feel pain and sympathy - for me.
For so long I've played the helpless victim and becuase of this all my labor has been halved. I wish I could have back that other half. I wish I could start over and make a strong effort for the future.
So much of me that was and had possessed kindness has turned into the dust that blows along the dryest of the earth's floors. One day all of me will turn to dust and no one will mourn for me except for myself. All people will remember of me is the promises I made, the loyalties I proclaimed, and every time I swore on the heavens above I should be believed I was telling the truth. All my promises were broken, my loyalties were only to myself, and my swears of honesty were empty.
The tears which will be shed upon my leaving of this world will not be for my soul. It will be for the burdens I gave and happiness I so greedily took from everyone I came into contact with before I left. They will rightly grieve for what I stole from them. In time they will cease their sobbing and begin to heal - which is something that never would have had the chance to occur if I was to remain in their presence.

The truth of the matter is I am energy and light. I know who I am and I know I am truthful and good.

Others have had this to say about me:

"Morgan is a beautiful person on the inside and out".
"You seem so shiny, it's like you have a light somewhere inside".
"You have an inner light, to me you absolutely sparkle and glow".
"She is one of those people who truely have a pure heart".

I am human and I do make mistakes. Sometimes my mistakes hurt others feelings and sometimes I do or say something that makes someone mad at me. Once I realize my mistake I make amends as best I can and then leave it to them to forgive or not forgive me. No matter what awful things I might have been and will be guilty of, it won't ever take away the all prevailing existence of the goodness inside of me.
The only other times it seems anyone has ever had problems with me is when they have a darkness within themselves. It's like a hungry monster inside of them that slowly kills them and consumes all the light and energy it can.
I believe firmly that those who acquire the energy vampire type monster inside of them did at one time have a light of their own that was strong and bright. Then when they were young, a person whom they were genetically driven to trust, seek protection from, and looked to for kind words of approval and love did the opposite. Instead that person created for them acts of cruelty, fed them rejection, stirred emotions of resentment, and instilled in them disgust.
Where once love could and did fight for it's place in the body of a small child, the child sadly learned not to trust in unconditional love. Instead the child trusted in fear and hate until those beliefs and feelings became the only way of life they could ever remember having.
As adults they have almost completely fogotten the memory of what it was like to have such a pure light as a part of them. Never knowing where this craving which has begun to possesse originated, they now smother any light they can catch. They hold it too close and the light soon fades away leaving them feeling confused, hurt, and more resentful than they'd been before. After more time has passed and the darkness inside them has eaten away at their mind, they still chase after the light inside others. By now they have learned from experience what will happen as soon as they start to think for a moment that the light might be their's to hold onto forever. They've learned it will quickly disappear like magic. So now they smash it before the light taunts them with glimmers and illusions of love and happiness.
I believe these troubled people are reborn again and again because our creator never loses hope in them and wants to keep giving them another chance to do right in their lives and in the lives of others - even when the first person in the beginning of their life forgot their very existence, completely and totally.